I had nothing to say
and i get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
i cried last night. Again.
is the world so sad after all?
i know exactly why i cried. i miss Casper. and i truly miss her. death is not terrible. is the aftermath that you need to cope with. is not solely the loss. but the absence of their presence. and in the middle of the night, i thought of what could happened to my family, i fear death. i fear of losing my loved ones. i fear i do not spend enough time with them and time is slowly slipping through my fingers that now i feel i couldnt grasped it with my hands.

yy told me abt her cousin being brain dead now. just before that he was happily planning for a reunion dinner with grandpa and grandma so that he can take some photos of his NS days with them. and the next moment even before u knew it, he was lying in coma in the hospital bed. and to come to think of it, we were discussing of euthanasia and coincidencely such misfortune have befall someone close to us.

over the phone, i dont know what to say to her because it must have been a shock to all. nobody knew he even had a tumor in his head. and it was already at the terminal stage and the tumor burst to cause blood clots in his brain. the only resolution was to remove the blood but then it was to late to salvage any thing. the veins have burst. i know we can never relate to such pain unless we been thru' situations like this. my only comfort to her was to show sympathy. i know she felt shocked and sad for her cousin too. twenty years old, fit and well. he fainted twice before and nobody took it that seriously or again the docs could not find any thing wrong with it. i mean how many ppl with serious headaches and migrains, can we all say we have tumor in our heads? we are all stress with life, surely we take panadol, asprins more often than other med.

maybe we should just learn to love and cherish our body. we are lucky we are well now. let us show more concern for our family. and last night i was just worrying abt mosquitos at home, worry for dad, worry for mum, worry for kor.. wanted to msg him not to drive so fast, worry for da jie( not that worry), worry for er jie(wonder if she's happy without me), worry abt myself whether i have heart disease.. i guess... i jus worry until i woke him up to comfort me to sleep.

ps: wish i can win some kind of lucky draw